I
was having a hard time of it. Really struggling to keep my head on straight and
emotionally spent. A friend called just to see how I was doing.
He
did not share his opinions.
He
did not try to give me advice or win me over to seeing things his way.
He
did not start talking about all the things my situation reminded him of.
He
did not start talking about other people.
He
did not do much talking at all.
In
that moment, what he did not do
defined as much of what I consider authentic friendship as what he did do.
So
what then did he do, this friend?
My
second sentence from the top is a giveaway.
He
just called to see how I was doing--- with no other agenda.
After
he asked the question, he listened. Really listened. So well I could tell he
was not quietly constructing the next thing he was going to say. He was present
for me.
Many
men today have a difficult time doing this. I’ve spent years learning it and am
committed to getting better at it for the rest of my life. I’ve come to see not doing it can leave me and other men
feeling isolated, lonely, friendless and depressed. Learning and practicing this has provided me with untold
benefits, surprises and treasures. You may have heard the expression, “if you
want friends, be one.” Well here is a pretty good place to begin. When was the
last time you called up a man friend just to see how he was doing….and then
listened?
With
the kinds of training and conditioning boys and men receive that pits them
against each other in the competition and comparison game, the homophobia that
only more recently is beginning to ease up in some cultures, and the epidemic
problem of depression in both young and older men, men are often challenged to
find models of true friendship, and further to create and sustain their own.
Many men carry a big load of hurt from absent, neglectful, emotionally distant
or abusive fathers or father figures. And from an early age we’ve been
separated from other boys and men by ruthless competition. It’s no surprise
that many men only feel comfortable being close and vulnerable with women, or
more particularly with one woman. That dependency comes with it’s own problems
for both men and women.
What
do I mean by “true friendship” with other men?
I’ll
begin with two elements that the great American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson
believed formed the backbone of his closest relationships with men. I believe
they form mine as well.
Emerson
said that these two elements were equally important.
“One
is truth. A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may
think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and so equal
that I may drop even those undergarments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second
thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and
wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another….
…The
other element of friendship is tenderness. We are holden to every sort of tie,
by blood, by pride, by fear, by hope, by lucre, by lust, by hate, by
admiration, by every circumstance and badge and trifle—but we can scarce
believe that so much character can subsist in another as to draw us by love.
Can another be so blessed and we so pure that we can offer him tenderness? When
a man becomes dear to me I have touched the goal of fortune.”
There
are most certainly as many ways to express friendship as there are actual
friendships, and the language with which we express our truth and tenderness
can vary in form.
I
so appreciate the work of Gary Chapman and his series of books beginning with The Five Love Languages. Gary talks
about how people have different preferences for the way they both receive and
give love in relationships. The way they prefer to receive and get most filled
up is generally the way they deliver it to others, usually not recognizing that
their friends or partner may have a different preference. The five languages
are:
Acts of Service
Words
of Appreciation
Physical Affection
Gifts
Quality
Time
My
top two love language preferences that are pretty much guaranteed to fill me up
are Quality Time and Words of Appreciation.
One
of my great passions in life is to spend quality time with friends, which can
range from a half hour phone call to a multi-week outdoor adventure. Because it
is so difficult for many men to initiate that, I often find myself to be the
one to do so and am so thrilled and grateful when others initiate, even if I
have to decline an invitation to talk in the moment or get together right away.
The
important thing to understand here is that when you learn the love language
preferences of your friend, new or old, you are taking another step closer to
true friendship by speaking their language instead of just your own.
For
example, if I get that my friend’s preference for receiving love is helping him
work on his car, house or boat, (Acts of Service) I offer to help. It’s also a
pretty good fit as my preference is to spend Quality Time, which could really
be doing most any activity as long as we are hanging out together.
There
are many more aspects to the art of friendship and many reasons friendship is
so important to me and others. My hope is that every man will in his life have
close true friends, not to do what he can do for himself, but to reflect the
best in him in order for him to be his best.
Another
man I respect shares this about true friendship.
With every true friendship
we build more firmly the foundations on which the peace of the whole world
rests. --Ghandi
Like
what you’ve read here? Let the author know about your interest in the forthcoming book:
Lone Ranger No More: A Guy’s
Guide to Making, Keeping and Letting Go of Friends
By Randy Crutcher
quantumrandy@gmail.com